With a hole in my head, constant black outs, violent sickness and a scar on my face, that left me feeling insecure, paranoid and self-conscious, I suddenly felt an overwhelming surge of emotions from my past that I had buried deep.
Feelings that had affected me for a long time, but that I clearly hadn’t faced and certainly hadn’t dealt with.
From a young age I was very good at sport in school, I also rode horses and excelled at that too, yet when I went on to compete in athletics and horse riding, I was good, but not the best! And I always wanted to be one of the best.
I was very self-critical and over analysed myself and my abilities. I would compare myself to others all of the time and wished I was as good as the best.
I remember watching the ones that excelled and thinking what are they doing differently to me? How can I improve?
I’d come home from events, crying the whole journey and I even remember asking god what was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just be better?
Nothing I ever did seemed good enough!
I dreamt of being the best
The burning almost heart wrenching feeling I’d have inside at each competition would consume my whole body to the point I felt sick
Even then, I was so positive, my thoughts, my actions and my words
Yet deep inside, there was always an unconscious voice that would over-ride this positivity
A voice that would tell me I just wasn’t good enough
The friends I chose and the company I kept always seemed to be the wrong type of people for me
I was a kind, caring, loving, happy person who I suppose lived in a little bubble of niceness
I didn’t understand people being nasty to one another, talking behind friends backs and even stabbing each other in the back
From teenage years to late twenties this was something that affected me massively
Being a sensitive soul, I’d get upset and hurt easily by negativity
I was always a little shy with guys, actually I still am
As loud and extrovert as I seem in public, I am a completely different person in private
A mask I had been wearing for such a long time, to cover up all of my insecurities
I had a relationship with someone who had been one of my best friends for a few years
I had total faith and trust in him, and gave him 100%, which unfortunately I didn’t get back
A boyfriend that was super popular, yet had no idea how to be faithful and treat me right. In fact he used to frequently tell me how lucky I was to be with him and that I wasn’t pretty at all, I just had a nice body
Hurtful things that at that young an age, affect your whole personality and create mental barriers, that are so hard to knock down!!!!
Feelings of inadequacy, lack of self-belief and worry that your just not good enough
It was horrible!
I eventually got out of it, got an amazing new job, where I gained instant popularity.
My friendly, happy, positive super fun personality totally bowled people over and instantly I realised that I had been brain washed by an insecure, self-centred man who only ever wanted me to think I was worthless.
Someone who had always put me down, yet couldn’t let me go when I had gained the courage to leave
Suddenly I became this high flying, very popular, well liked party girl. I was approached to dance professionally and model too. Life was good!!!!
Then, in 2002 I had a big car accident, where I suffered a head injury leaving a pretty big scar on my face
I instantly changed from the once very happy, vibrant, life and soul of a party type personality. Always someone who lit up a room with my silliness, jokes, fun and positivity.
To now someone who wanted the ground to swallow me up at even the thought of having to socialise or mix with other people again.
Having a part time weekend job as a professional dancer for a big promotion company, dancing for some world famous DJ’s in big events, and modelling at the time, this left me massively self-conscious and I started suffering with depression and anxiety
I immediately gave up dancing and modelling and became so anxious at leaving the house and going out in public that I rarely did.
The feelings of inadequacy and self- doubt I had when I was younger had suddenly come back with a vengeance and were now even worse than ever!!!
I remember trying to get back into the gym, as this had always been a love of mine, having been so sporty and fit all of my life. Yet, if the car park was busy, I would get sweaty palms, palpitations and panic to the point I would have to turn around and leave without even going in.
My step dad was amazing, and having suffered from depression himself for many years, helped me put small, daily tasks in place to get normality back into my life
The empty feeling I carried with me daily, left me feeling so alone
I thought no one understood how I felt or understood all I was going through
Having a mum as a senior nurse and having been interested in health fitness and nutrition all of my life, I refused to take any medication for the depression and anxiety as I knew this wasn’t a healthy option for me, I didn’t want these toxins in my body.
I also didn’t want something to change my personality and certainly didn’t want to become reliant on medication.
I knew I had to get back to exercise and clean nutrition as with the depression I barely left the house, and my nutrition was horrendous. Always looking for comfort food!
My passion had always been sport, exercise etc and so I decided to sign myself up for a gym instructor course.
1, this would get me back into a group of people and 2, I’d be doing something that I loved
At this point I had absolutely no idea where this would lead me, I just wanted to feel normal again!!
I wanted to get out of my bedroom that had now become a pit of negativity and start at least feeling a part of the real world again
I was sick of feeling worthless!!!
I was tired of feeling tired, exhausted and lifeless
I wanted my hyper, happy, positive spirit back
I wanted to feel that I had a future again
Something to look forward to……… happiness!!!
So I completed the course, then another and another and so on….
I eventually decided to open my own gym
I felt a huge attraction to helping other women like myself.
I knew that if I felt intimidated, uncomfortable and even anxious to enter a busy, mixed gym, after what had happened to me, then I’m sure there were lots of other women who felt exactly the same
Women who desperately wanted to get fitter and healthier, yet were way too self-conscious and full of fear to even contemplate entering a big mixed, busy facility
So along with my incredible mum, I launched Shapes, ladies health and fitness centre
From the beginning I found myself coaching clients on their underlying issues. Lack of self belief, self acceptance, stress, anxiety, depression, even trauma.
I did this without even realising I was coaching them at the time
I suddenly started getting more and more personal training clients who all suffered in some way. People had highly recommended me and from there I realised I needed to get a qualification in coaching to back up all I was doing
I quickly became a life coach and as if by law of attraction was drawn to very special people (gurus) within the industry who specialised in mindset and all the coaching stuff that I was beginning to love and feel connected to
It had become apparent to me a long time ago, that no matter what nutrition plan and exercise program I give to a client, if their head wasn’t in the right place, then none of that would give them the results in their body that they were looking for.
After attending some amazing fitness business events, I finally found my true passion in mindset, how the mind works and how it affects us from reaching for our goals.
I completed a few mentorships with these amazing people and have been coaching my clients in house now for over a year. I am also now getting my first online coaching programme off the ground
I would never be where I am today, if I hadn’t taking steps to help myself. I chose to not give up and let the dark, life changing depression keep a hold of me
As horrible as that 2 years was in my life, I now know that everything happens for a reason.
My illness pushed me to help others, and so far, I have helped many women gain clarity in their lives, believe in themselves again and become confident in their future plans
Helping others get out of that deep dark hole that I know too well, is such an incredible feeling.
I plan on continually learning to help others and moving forward to better my own mindset and effectively chase my dreams and reach my goals
My new Lifeshaper programme is aimed at helping women like myself, who have struggled with self-confidence, self-belief and who have no idea how to be themselves.
The 12 week coaching programme is available at www.lifeshaper.org Please contact me for more information and a FREE consultation call xx